10. Paranoia - Gary Oldman, Harrison Ford, and Liam Hensworth, in some thriller about two competing technology companies, had some twists and decent performances from Oldman and Ford, but ultimately... forgettable. i watched this one recently and am struggling to even remember the ending.
.jpg)
9. The Lords Of Salem - Rob Zombie's movie about witches. Good music, great cinematography. Incoherent and dull as shit script. His wife, Sheri Moon Zombie, who usually is universally panned as an actress, gave a fairly good performance in my opinion. Unfortunately the movie is all about style and not substance.
8. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone - A comedy about magicians starring Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi and Jim Carrey. There are funny parts in this movie, mostly involving Jim Carrey as a Criss Angel-like character. Alan Arkin has some decent lines also. However, Carell's, Wonderstone character is so obnoxious and unlikeable, it isn't that fun to watch. Squandered potential.
7. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters - Movie could have been so much better if it decided what genre it wanted to be, it would switch from jokey to serious and back again, and neither way worked efficiently. I liked the look of the witches and other certain things, but i couldn't recommend it.
6. White House Down - It's no secret that I'm a sucker for action movies, and usually Roland Emmerich ( Independence Day, 2012) movies are a guilty pleasure to me. However, since we'd already seen Olympus Has Fallen already do this story a few months earlier(and much better) this jokey mess was instantly forgettable. I DO remember being fairly annoyed by Jamie Foxx, as the President of the United States, bitching at a terrorist for messing up his Air Jordans. Channing Tatum was ok in it and James Woods, is always gold to me, but this movie was dull and generic to me and that's not what you want in an action film.
5. R.I.P.D - A movie cut from the same cloth as Men in Black, however, not anywhere near the same class. This movie somehow makes Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds dull. I can't quite put my finger on what went wrong with this, but it stinks.
4. The Family - A movie about a mobster starring Robert DeNiro, directed by Luc Besson, the man who directed The Professional/Leon and The Fifth Element, what could go wrong? Well, apparently everything, The trailers painted it as an action movie/black comedy, that unfortunately, didn't have much action or anything that funny for most of it. Exactly one bit I found mildly amusing, DeNiro watching and discussing Goodfellas at a film festival. Sounds funnier than it actually is.
3.Texas Chainsaw 3D - Started off interesting, showing footage of the original 1974 film in 3D (done very well, release a version of that!) goes into a prologue that takes place right after the first film, still ok. Then it jumps ahead an unspecified amount of years incoherently and the movie turns to shit, by the end of it, Leatherface decided to stop trying to kill and teams up with a girl who is a relative and just had her friends all hacked up with a chainsaw, to live happily(?) ever after in the original house apparently going to team up and kill people. She's very forgiving.
2. Grown Ups 2- I will admit, I like the first Grown Ups movie, Adam Sandler is not immune to a turd, and this one is a pretty big one. Rob Schneider wanted too much money and is nowhere to be found, or mentioned. Instead they have Nick Swardson (who's apparently going to be in every AS movie from this point on) playing a riff on Schneider's character. The first movie, Sandler and his high school pals, come back to their hometown to go to their JR. High coach's funeral and have a great weekend catching up. The 2nd movie, they have all moved to their hometown, but it's not specified why the rest of them other than Sandler moved back, they all just quit their careers and picked up all their families and lives and left the big city to move to the Podunk town that they grew up in. ummmmm.....ok? Could you pretend to have a plot at least, the first one was flimsy enough but it was funny seeing all the comedians together in one film having fun. This one, I couldn't tell you one flipping scene in the movie let alone any one thing that I laughed at. TERRIBLE
1. A Good Day to Die Hard. The absolute worst film of 2013 is the hardest pill for me to swallow. As maybe the biggest fan of the Die Hard series EVER, (I really enjoyed the last one, Live Free or Die Hard even (shameless Kevin Smith intrusion/cameo notwithstanding) the thing was action packed.) This turd was the biggest disappointment I have seen in years. Bruce Willis, has been one of my favorite actors from clear back in the Moonlighting days. I saw Die Hard 11 times in the theater the summer it came out. The way he sleepwalks through this thing taking a paycheck disgusts me. He isn't John McClane in this movie, he's McClane's son's sidekick the entire movie. He follows him everywhere and rarely shows any ingenuity that John McClane is famous for.
The one liners are freaking terrible, "I'm on vacation!!!!!" is repeated ad naseum by Willis. First off, you aren't on fucking vacation, you went to Russia to try to get your son out of prison or so you thought, face it, you didn't really have a plan. So let's just scrap that stupid ass line.
The one decent scene in the beginning of the movie is a chase scene involving Willis driving an enormous truck, hitting pedestrian drivers all over the place, with him yelling out a "sorry, ma'am!" out the window. he eventually rolls the truck about 10 times, climbs out, without a scratch on him or any sign of a limp, then is immediately hit by a car while standing in the road, rolls up the windshield and then down the pavement, STILL no scratch or limp!! I don't believe Willis gets ANY blood on him the entire movie until about 3/4 of the way through and I believe even THEN it is his son's blood that'd been cast off on him. If there's one thing you can usually guarantee in a Die Hard movie even in the PG-13 one, was that McClane was going to be bloody as hell and have scrapes and cuts all over him....not this movie.
There are I believe 3 actors in this movie I recognized and one dies about 30 min in, the rest of the cast is filled with leftovers from Steven Seagal's last five straight-to-DVD movies shot in Hungary. Not even the main villain is someone recognizable. If you take one thing from this list, heed my words, do NOT watch this movie, it will just make you crave ANY other Die Hard Movie. Not one redeemable quality in this movie. I tried to watch it as a spoof of a Die Hard movie the second time I watched it, nope, it still sucked.
No comments:
Post a Comment