There are a few things that I've wanted to expunge from my mind to the blank screen before me within the last day. So I will attempt to begin.
My mother's birthday would have been yesterday. It's been 6 years November since she's passed. To this day, there are times when I know she's gone and I get extremely depressed, yet there are other times where I forget she's gone and think to myself, "I have to call mom and see if she's heard such and such." I remember the most recent incident of this was when the Ultimate Warrior passed away this past spring after being on WWE Raw the day before and inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame over the weekend. That was such a shock to me and knowing how much Mom loved watching wrestling, I couldn't imagine what her thoughts would be. I remember actually getting ready to dial her number before it hit me that she wasn't there to tell.
There are still times I go to my Dad's and occasionally get in my head that Mom is just out with Grandma somewhere or is downstairs or something. Time can be a pain in the ass sometimes. I can't remember my Mom's voice anymore. It would take .
There are a million conversations I want to have with her still. I want to talk about Hannibal, because i know she would have loved that show. She always enjoyed those creepy shows and movies. I wish i could have found out what she thought about Lost's finale. I'd try to get her interested in Person of Interest, I would have talked wrestling with her, because i know she still watched it, even years after my brother David had lost interest. He was into it when he'd gotten into his car accident, so Mom recorded all of the WWE programming when he was in the hospital those months and then got herself hooked. I couldn't believe it the first time she asked me if i watched wrestling this week. I remember saying, "Mom, why the hell are you watching wrestling? You used to get on Dan and I for watching wrestling when we were teenagers." Then she explained the reason re: David. At this point, I had long given up watching wrestling and didn't really start up until 1997. Once I started watching again, we shared that bond for quite awhile and i know she really enjoyed that. My fascination with wrestling waned off and on from 1997-2008, but hers never did. I guess she enjoyed the soap opera aspect of the storylines I guess.
I miss silly things like the inevitable argument my Mom and Dad would have driving the 8 blocks or so to my Grandma's house every holiday. Usually over whether Dad remembered to lock the door when we left. They never fought for real, as far as I know. I never saw it if they did.
I remember making my Mom really laugh every Christmas when we'd get together by sarcastically proclaiming, "Christmas was ruined." over some trivial event. She would laugh so loud over silly things I'd say.
I miss the tradition I started in the early 90s and kept going up almost until she passed, when I would invite Mom and Dad over on Super Bowl Sunday and get some KFC and we'd watch the game. Mom would want to watch the commercials and Dad would want to watch the game, and each of them would talk over the parts that the other wanted to see, without fail for the entire event.
I miss Mom's desire to make us some sugary goodies while we had Going to Grandma's practice downstairs, so it was waiting for us when we got done. I know Jim Duede misses that too, he'd mentioned that fond memory when practicing at my parents' house. I appreciate the fact that every Tuesday night for YEARS and YEARS, she put up with us having band practice in that basement (Sump Pump Studios) while she put up with our learning how to play music from scratch until we became "good". Her sitting in her chair, watching all of her TV shows with only Closed Captioning on because there was NO way she was going to hear it.
I miss talking about countless movies that I want her to watch because i know she'd like them. I miss those phone conversations about nothing that would last at LEAST an hour. I hate the fact that her disease stole that from me the last 6-7 months she was alive and couldn't talk above a whisper, i think THAT's part of the reason i can't remember her voice 100%.
I admire her for all the shit that she beat in her life, Lupus, Breast Cancer, all the other cancers that went in remission. I fucking hate myself for being naïve, thinking that she could beat the last one, and not being prepared for when she couldn't. Even up to when she was in hospice. I hate myself for not being there at Hospice when she finally passed on because I thought Dad and I could run home for a few hours and try to get some sleep before going back to Hospice after being there up all night. I have a tough time knowing that when I came back to Hospice that I was the one that noticed she was gone, even before the nurses. I hate the fact that I know that when you die that your eyelids won't stay closed.
(I'm getting this all out now on "paper" because I'm tired of it in only my brain so forgive the tone and jumping around emotionally)
I think of her and remember all the things she enjoyed and things that i think of when I think about her and things she enjoyed and other things we used to share, and I'm going to make a laundry list of things in no order whatsoever.
Shields and Yarnell (some mime duo from the 70s that used to be on all these variety shows I'd watch with her)
Captain and Tenille
Helen Reddy
Carole King
Quantum Leap
St. Elsewhere
The Jeffersons
Soap
Dallas
Falcon Crest
Knots Landing
Dynasty
Atari (Missile Command, Pac-man and Atlantis(the holy grail of Atari games. if you mentioned Atari, Atlantis was brought up even 20 years later, saying how much she loved that game)
INtendo (mom could never say the first N)
garage sales
her babysitting in the early 80s
badminton (pronounced badmitton)
indanola instead of Indianola
"Around Robin Hood's barn"
"Two farts in a skillet" ex. "You two are just running around like two farts in a skillet!"
humming melodies with partial lyrics
canasta
oh hell (card game that I don't remember the rules)
Larry Bird
Magic Johnson
wrestling
family feud
Huey Lewis and the News
Hall and Oates
The Alan Parsons Project
TV guide
Entertainment Tonight
I guess for now I've gotten most of this out of my system.
I miss her everyday. The thing I guess I really regret the most now is that my Mom won't get to meet and know my new wife. I know she would love her. I know that Moco would have loved her back. I imagine how proud she would be seeing me so happy. I really wish I could change that, more than anything.
Happy Birthday, Mom.
